Indelible memories
It's the March holidays again. I'm quite surprised and also very glad that we weren't bombarded with homework just this once. Here I am actually taking time out to write this post, which is going to be super long. I have so much things to say, so many thoughts and problems bottled up inside my mind. Its been one and a quarter years since I entered hell. Another 8-9 monthss to go. So many things have came and gone and I havent had time to really stop and rest.
The physical surroundings and conditions in NJ have improved considerably. At least we have the aircon on during most of our lectures now and less knocking and banging going on. Dear empress dowager actually spent a few hours of her royal time trying to convince us how much effort and money she had spent on these improvements. Well, at least she's trying. Moreover, I also get to go back at about 2-4pm on most days now, except when I have CCAs. Having said this, life in NJ hasnt improved one bit for me. If anything, it has just gotten real bad. I know I've had my ups an downs before but I really didnt' know my life could descend to such a level it has never reached before at this moment.
There's just this tinge of sorrow, disappointment, loneliness and heartache etched in my heart these past few months that I havent been able to get rid of. Its like I've been spending so much energy and effort trying to survive NJ that I havent realised how troubled I really am. I dont know who I really am anymore. I feel like an empty shell, thrown into the storm, far far away from my friends away, disfigured and changed. I also realised that I'm starting to have a phobia of the word 'friends'. Whenever I hear anything about friends, I just feel like shutting my ears and running far far away.
The people whom I once laughed, joked and argued with are long dead. They don't exist anymore. My world now is just filled with empty superficial shells like myself all just trying to survive in this harsh and cruel world that we have been thrown into. I've nver felt so lost and so hurt before in my life. Although there are so mny people around me, so many new people that I have met, but I feel like I now know less people than before. It feels like I'm all alone in this world surrounded by artificial entities.
We are all just trying to survive, trying to break free and escape this cruel world back into the world we once knew. Whenever I see the people whom I once regarded as friends, I feel like I'm just looking at some long lost neighbours whom I haven't met in a long time. I really don't know how I can take this anymore. Coupled with all the stress I'm facing from studies, all the stress from 'A' levels. Yet all this stress is nothing compared to that I'm facing from the other superficial empty shells that are also trying to survive this cruel world with me.
I'm stretching out my hands as far as I can, trying to reach for the end, trying to pull myself past these last few months. The end is so near yet so far and I have this intense fear that when I finally reach the end, I will not like what I find. I'm afraid that I'll never be able to go back to where I once was. It's funny how life can screw you up so bad without warning. We just separated and grew apart, so far apart that we can't even see each other clearly anymore. All this came so gradually, yet so quickly that we have no time to respond at all.
I really really hate everybody now, including myself. I hate us for trying so hard to survive that we have forgotten to live. Yet, we must still scramble for the end in the end. What can we really do anyway? Ultimately, we all have our own lives to lead. We will all go our own separate ways in the end, so why do I still bother to be so emotional? Why? Why? I want my old life back and yet I also want to survive. I also want the people around me to survive. Why can't we have everything we wish for?
Zhi Hao is close behind at 5:00 PM
I find this very true of myself, particularly from 'Your view of education' onwards. If you want to find out more about me, just read.
Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.
The seriousness of your love:
Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.
Your views on education:
You may not like to study but you have many practical ideas. You listen to your own instincts and tend to follow your heart, so you will probably end up with an unusual job.
The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.
How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.
What are you most afraid of:
You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.
Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.
Zhi Hao is close behind at 6:32 PM
Yet another lousy term is about to end. I have done badly once again. I know I have not studied much but I don't know why I am just unable to, despite the importance of the year. I do not know what drives other people to actually pick up their books to study and be so consistently meticulous in doing all their work, being so attentive in class. Or maybe they actually aren't. They're just much smarter than me. I mean really, who isn't?
Anyway, some results which I've gotten back so far:
English- 66
Chinese - 65
Full Lit. - 72
C. Humanities - 74
A.Maths - 79
E.Maths - 63
Biology - 80
Chemistry - 76
Physics - 70
Zhi Hao is close behind at 5:44 PM
It feels like a another year has passed although its only january. Things have already resumed to full speed in the first week and Im exhausted. I would have probably collapsed and crumbled if not for the CNY break which I really do appreciate although its also due to it that Im now desperately trying to tilt my head backwards and type at the same time, with my fist full of bloody tissues. An extremely hoarse throat and nasal voice was also a consequence. Worse still, I had tripped and fallen over while trying to clear the last hurdle during P.E today. Put aside the utter embarrassment I had to endure (which wasnt much actually, since hardly anybody noticed), I am now limping. My ankle had twisted so badly that, even my father's massage combined with chinese medicated oil cannot salvage.
Worse still, tomorrow I have to make a trip to IKEA with other 'sjabers' to hunt down cheap and practical cabinets for our SJAB school HQ. I dont think a twisted ankle is going to help me much. God can the day get any better...About CNY, I watched two movies on consecutive days. 'Inkheart' and 'The Wedding Game'. Inkheart is just another Jumanji and Bedtime stories combined, while The Wedding Game became a chore to watch after a while. TWG was inundated with sexual connotations, so much so that it shouldnt have been PG in the first place. Fann Wong and Christopher Lee were in their underwear half the time, and there was too much physical contact, put aside the fact that Christoper Lee's nether region was being mutilated by FW about thrice. There were many lame and cliche jokes. I think our local jokes have finally been exhausted. Anyway, I thought it was also effective in blasting the papparazzi and critiszing the 'most of the time' irresponsible and insensitive media which is just what Im about to do in my next post. Ungracious little swine, they really are. Always sourcing out juicy escapades and sordid affairs to ramble on about.
Zhi Hao is close behind at 10:46 PM
Zhi Hao is close behind at 12:30 PM
Ok, its the last day of 2008! What a tumultous year it has been. I know I have just wasted one whole precious year away, throwing tantrunms, falling into depression, failing exams, getting four F9s at one go, skipping school, running away from home, getting myself heart break after heart break, stress after stress. I wonder how I managed to survive through it all. I can officially declare 2008 as the worst year of my life. I have never cried so much in the last decade. I have never failed my exams before in my entire academic life. I have never been met with so many obstacles before. For those who havent heard the full story, I was even almost sent to a shrink not too long ago. What with the upcoming year being one of the most important years of my life. I just gave it a horrible preface. I know no amount of regret can salvage all the desparities and redeem myself. 2008 has left a permanent scar in my life that can never be removed. If I were ever to get heart problems or cancer in the future, 2008 would have been the main cause.
Looking on the positive side, I know I have made lifelong friends this year too. I know its not exactly an easy thing to do. I've had so many friends in my previous academic years, but the friendships did not last, probably because we just had to go our seperate ways, maybe its because of external obstacles that broke us apart, maybe we just did not make enough effort to sustain the friendship. Whatever it is, I really wish that it would never happen again. We must accumulate new friendship on our life journey but we should never lose old ones. Despite all the difficulties I have been through, I know that there are many people out there that have supported me to some extend. I am especially grateful to my parents, my teachers and my friends. Nothing I ever do can repay the guidance and support.
2008 has been an extremely emotional year, the most challenging yet, but I hope that despite all this, I would have gained something from it all. :)
Zhi Hao is close behind at 1:12 PM
An update on the last 2 weeks. I've just completed the 4 day course over the last 2 weekends. The exam day is tomorrow. Have many things to study for. Sigh...Plus a 3 day camp and a Passing Out Parade to 'look forward to'.I shall spare you the b*tching and move on to the happier things. Well, we went for another short trip to a kelong resort at Bintan. The place was as run down as you would imagine, but the place itself was gorgeous. It was so scenic and windy. So windy that my hair was always in a mess. Of course I couldnt forget the 2 hour long boat journey there which almost had me vomitted and passed out if not for 'anti-giddy' pills my aunt had brought along.
Other the the trips to and fro, it was really fun. I fished for the first time. I always had a little phobia of the hook, afraid that it would pierce me or something but its something that you'll have to get used to. After a while, I wasnt that apprehensive of it. Of course you have to be prepared to remove the hook from the roof of the mouth a living fish jumping about the floor seeing blood splatter around as well as decapitate and mutilate sotongs to use as bait, hooking their body parts on the hook. Despite all this, the satisfaction of having caught a fish was enough to compensate all. I caught many small fishes while my 9 Y/O cousin who was more experienced caught several mid-sized fishes. As it was the first time, we kept trying and as a result we got quite a sizeable haul compared to the even more experienced local fishermen who just sat, chatted and waited the whole day for a huge fish to come along. My grandfather was something else. He kept fishing even through the night while we slept.
At about 5am, his efforts paid off and he finally caught a fish about 3kg. Honestly, a 3kg fish to be caught from a fishing rod is no small feat. It took my grandfather and some of the big local fishermen ,who were kind enough to help him, to reel the fish in. They even had to use a net which was actually prohibited as only fishing rods are allowed but since the fish was technically caught by a rod, they couldnt do anything. Im suprised the string hasnt broke. Sadly I wasnt there to witness it myself and had to rely on my mother's recount. She ran out of the 'hut' immediately when my grandfather shouted loud enough to wake the whole kelong. I was too sleepy to move. Ok some pictures. I was too engrossed in fishing I didnt take many pictures. I cant believe I didnt take any picture of the fishes we caught. Arghh. It was quite a big variety. We even caught a stingray and a non edible catfish which we threw back into the sea.
Zhi Hao is close behind at 5:45 PM
